A Resource Guide to Coming Out

Coming out can be an emotionally turbulent experience. You may find yourself having to deal with negative backlash or a sense of acceptance and relief. There is no right way to go about coming out, but there are some things you can do that can help you on your journey.

Being True to Yourself

From the minute we enter the world, we are expected to conform to labels put on us and to fit into a box. As we grow up the culture of those around us, the family we have as well as available media will tell you how things are “supposed” to be. It can, therefore, be very confusing as you start to develop and begin to feel uncomfortable in your own skin or that you don’t quite fit what is expected.

Exploring your own identity is a difficult process, one that will bring up a lot of emotions, questions and fears. There is no real right or wrong way to do this and it mostly depends on the individual situation you find yourself in.

Finding Your Identity

Human beings are complex and wonderful, we are made up of various parts that go beyond our physical beings that collate to make you uniquely you. While some find labels restricting, it can be helpful to find a word that you can use to identify yourself and how you feel. It helps normalise it to yourself and reminds you that you are not alone.

In terms of your gender, you will have been assigned a sex at birth based on your genitalia. However, as you grow you may find that this label is not actually the gender you identify with. Exploring your gender is normal and there is no real sliding scale of gender. If you find that your gender does not match the sex assigned at birth then you may begin to transition. This is any step you take in order to affirm your gender identity or gender expression and does not look the same for everyone. Some people will go through hormone treatment or gender affirming surgery. Others might simply change their pronouns, legally change their name or simply wear those clothes that feel right to them.

In terms of sexuality, it is a beautiful spectrum that shows there is no right or wrong way of feeling. This includes who you find yourself attracted to physically, the people you find yourself desiring a relationship with and how emotionally drawn you feel to someone. Exploring this is natural and you may find that it changes as you develop or that it stays the same.

Some common feelings you may feel while beginning this exploration are:

• Fear
• Relief
• Confusion
• Pride
• Uncertainty
• Vulnerability
• Empowerment

In the end the most important thing is to be comfortable I yourself.

Coming Out to Others

Coming out to yourself is the first step but coming out to others can be even harder. It is an incredibly personal decision based on your own situation and there is no real right or wrong way to go about it. The benefit of coming out to others is that it allows you to live a more authentic and fulfilling life where we don’t feel like we are hiding parts of ourselves.

You may choose to not come out, perhaps because it is unsafe for you to do so or the general environment you are in. If you feel unsafe or lacking support, there are many services like the Trevor Project which can help you.

Making a Plan

Planning ahead is a good first step in coming out to others. Deciding what you want to say, the best time to have the conversation and the best location for this can really help you. People’s reactions can be varied and there’s no way to 100% predict what they might say. You can try testing the waters by listening to how they speak about LGBTQ+ people or from noticing how they deal with difficult emotional situations.

Before coming out it might be worth taking the time to plan out what it is you want to say and what the potential responses might be. This gives you a bit more control of the situation as well as helps you emotionally prepare.

Picking the best time does not mean waiting for that one perfect moment. It can be as simple as knowing what time of day would be the right time to share or as complex as taking into account other factors at play. There is no perfect moment, no perfect time but you can help get the best response by choosing a time where the person is relaxed and willing to listen.

Like a perfect time, there is no perfect location. Picking a place to come out will rely on many factors including where you most feel comfortable or where you most feel safe. Some people choose to come out publically as they feel it is a safer space to come out. Others prefer the comfort and privacy of their own home. Choosing the right location depends on you and the person you are coming out to.

Having the Conversations

The most difficult part now comes as you actually have the conversations. This is where you need to try and practice patience as some people need time to process their emotions. Remember you are doing this for you, not for them.

It can be helpful to start with someone you believe will be supportive of you. This gives you a bit of strength to carry on. Despite testing the waters, don’t assume that automatically means they are going to have a negative response. They may have just made an off the cuff remark that they didn’t really think of the implications of.

Be prepared for potential questions that might come up, as well as explosive emotional reactions including crying, anger and embarrassment. Try and have some support with you if you can with those you are worried might react negatively or who you are unsure of the response of.

It might also be worth preparing a back-up plan to ensure your own safety. For some people coming out does not go well, they find themselves homeless or worse in physical danger. Have somewhere you can stay should you be thrown out, prepare transportation to leave if necessary and again try and make sure you have someone with you for support.

Living on Your Terms

Coming out is a journey and one that unfolds at your pace. If you are not openly out, let those you’ve told know to try and prevent them accidentally outing you. It is your decision when to come out not them.

A lot of this journey requires bravery, something that can seem impossible if you are experiencing high levels of fear or anxiety. Remember though that bravery isn’t the absence of fear but going forward in spite of it.

Keep an eye on your mental health and speak to a professional if you feel overwhelmed. There are many places online that can help you find the right path forward. Try and stay safe as you can in the environment you are in.

It is ok to not come out to everyone. While it can be emotionally difficult to hide parts of yourself, there may be certain people who you decide it’s better to just avoid coming out to all together.

Living openly as yourself can be a great thing. It doesn’t mean that you are now solely identifiable by this aspect of your identity but more that you are now comfortable accepting that part of yourself. By living openly as yourself you help inspire others, especially those of the younger generation, to be true to themselves. It also helps remind those with closed minds and judgmental attitudes that those attitudes are theirs and theirs alone.

Most importantly, remember there is a whole community out there who will support you and are already fighting your corner. No matter what you identify as, what you decide to do with that information and how you decide to live it is important to know that you are not alone.